A few more laughs ....

colsy

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A very old one, but just in case ...




A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen *****s than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 

colsy

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A teacher asked her young class how many of them were Jeremy Corbyn fans.

Not really knowing what a Corbyn fan was, all the children raised their hands except for Little Johnny.



The teacher asked Little Johnny why he hadn’t raised his hand

He said, "Because I'm not a Corbyn fan."



The teacher then asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Corbyn?"

Little Johnny replied, “Because I'm a Conservative."



The teacher asked, "Why are you Conservative?”

He said, “Well, my Mum’s a Conservative, my Dad’s a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."



Somewhat rattled by this answer, the teacher said, “If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”



With a big smile, Little Johnny replied,

"That would make me a Corbyn fan.
 

colsy

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Old but still funny

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed then to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. S

he was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was most generously endowed in the hair department .

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see ?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!
 

colsy

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The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place.


And as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them.


And she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears.


She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.


They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,


'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.


She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.


After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?’

The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,


And says:
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'Help yourself to any prize - from the middle shelf'
 

colsy

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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row
and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the **** out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting,
'Silence in court!' The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that
it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.' 'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going,
so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song,
when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.
' Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
===================
A new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well, he was a big muscular, and handsome US Marine".*"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.*
She replied "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much so I told him that oral sex would be $75,
but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, well, how much do you have? The Marine said that he only had 25 bucks".*
The new hooker told him "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she told the other hookers "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it,
and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand..."
"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed "it must have been huge, Then what did you do?"
*"I loaned him $75!" she said.
====================
Q: How many Gypo's does it take to eat a Hedgehog?

A: At least Three... One to eat the Hedgehog, the others to watch for cars.
===================
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary....
===================
A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says "99".
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".
She says "99".
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc.
Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three....... ...".
===================
My daughter asked me,,Daddy where is mummy ?
She's with the angels now, i replied,
You mean she's dead, she cried,
Nope she ****ed off with a biker, i said.
==================
Bloke goes into drug store and asks"Do you sell KY Jelly?
Girl says"No, have you tried Boots?"
Bloke says,"Boots?
I want to slide in, not ****in march in!"
==================
Ann Summers have come up with a new gadget to help men find the clitoris.
They hope "TwatNav" will be a best seller this Christmas.
==================
I went to my dentist last week and he said he was going to use helium on me.
I asked, "Will that numb the pain?"
He said, "No,but when you scream it will sound funny as ****!
==================
Apparently Sotheby's have sold a clump of Elvis Presley's hair for £28,000.
Somewhere there's a bloke with shaved bollocks and a new Lexus, laughing his arse off
==================
Long time ago, in the land of Persia there lived a powerful king and his beautiful queen.
The queen was so gorgeous that the king's ministers were obsessed and craving to seduce her.
One day, the king got an invitation to visit the King of Ethiopia and left behind his queen and his kingdom.
Before leaving, he asked his three ministers to take good care of his queen and all his affairs during his absence.
All three pronounced their loyalty.
That night, when the queen was deep asleep the king placed a sharp blade inside her because he didn't trust his three ministers.
The following week, the king returned and summoned his three ministers to the palace. He ordered all three to strip.
To the king's surprise, two of them were penisless and the third was fine.
The two unfaithful ministers were immediately executed.
The king praised the third minister for his loyalty and asked him what he wished.
"Aaaah, aaaaaaaaah," he replied.
==================
I couldn't believe it when my son came home with two armchairs & a sofa.
I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers.
==================
BARGAIN OF THE WEEK !!! ASDA Smartprice 1 Ply Toilet Roll 10p each And Free Gift of Chocolate Fingers guaranteed with every purchase !!!
==================
The Zookeeper says to Paddy, 'The Gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £5OO?'
Paddy replies, 'I will on these 3 conditions... First, I'm not going to kiss it.
Second, my family must never know & Third, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together'.....
 

colsy

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Love this policeman. !!



wlmailhtml:%7bD8715409-3435-494D-BC08-4E18D2182A1E%7dmid://00000022/




A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real *******, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,

demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,

"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number

of points and is in danger of losing his licence,

so he

hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile

of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds,

"Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer:

"Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and Hostile?"


"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.



~~~~

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client
~~~~
 

colsy

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SCOTTISH JEW AND THE GOLF CLUB

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for
membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application had been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot:
Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus.
But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete ***** to join a golf club
 

colsy

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An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
> the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to
> see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
> "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
>
> "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's
> the good news?" "The good news is...... I have another one to replace
> it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I
> can go ahead with the transplant."
>
> "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
>
> The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
> course when he bumped into the surgeon.
>
> "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
>
> "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
> My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
>
> "That's great," said the surgeon.
>
> "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
> I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
> landscapes in watercolors."
>
> "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
> transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
>
> "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking,
> and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.
>
>
>
>
 

colsy

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old but funny

Two Terrorists boarded a flight out of London.. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours,

'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on ? This fighting between our nations?

This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'
 

colsy

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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.
 

colsy

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Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
=====================


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.


She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.


Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.


Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.


"Just worked on me," he replied.
 

colsy

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At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying an infant.

She started walking slowly from the last row toward the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

Amidst the turmoil, the pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

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The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
 

colsy

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An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Samsung and 1 Motorola.
No siemen was found.
=========================
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, '
Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer.
You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,
'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history...
=========================
Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her? I am desperate!"
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental.
The tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, Doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting.
When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.
He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.
A few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her.
In a near whisper, and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "so do i ..."
========================
a wife screamed at her husband. "i can't believe you've been visiting prostitutes for sex.
i'm really disappointed!". "you can hardly blame me" he answered. "its not like i was getting any from you."
"well that's your fault" she replied. "you never told me you were willing to pay for it!"
========================
Dog named Sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.
That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?
It goes like this:
"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog.
A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."
"But, that ain't the worst part. Another day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."
"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex,
he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."
"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon.
When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.'
I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.'
The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "
"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."
"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling.
My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."
===========================
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models".
The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...
aaand rrunns by bbaatteries? The clerk responds "Yes we do".
She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"
===========================
My favourite sex position is the JFK... I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
===========================
In Texas, for the second time in a month, a man was arrested for publicly masturbating.
Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer because he claims he can get himself off".
===========================
A blonde went into a worldwide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed "I don't have that kind of money!!
But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.
With that, the man told her to follow him. He walked into the next room and ordered "Come in and close the door".
She did.
He then said "Get on your knees".
She did.
Then he said "Take down my zipper".
She did.
He said "Go ahead... take it out".
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO? MUM? Can you hear me??"
============================
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river,
and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river
and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down
you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were '**** or drown'."
===========================
 

colsy

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Friday funnies continued....

===========================
Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex....?
They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can pleasure them!!..
===========================
I got stopped by a woman in the street yesterday.
She said, "Excuse me sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, he's nearly 3 now."
===========================
Woman goes doctors & says "I'm getting too much discharge."
Dr says "pop your knickers off & get on the bed." He puts on his latex gloves and applys 3 fingers into her vagina,
"how does that feel?" he says
"****ing lovely", she replies. "But the discharge is in my ear!
=========================
A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a wank there and then.
Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his **** in the till.
"You look happy!" says the owner.
"Yeah," replies the worker, "I"ve just come into some money."
=========================
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love,
nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough...
=========================
Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says,"I'm dying for a ****,but I haven't got anything to wipe my arse with."
Mick says,"Have you got a fiver Paddy?" "Yes," says Paddy."Well use that," replies Mick.
So Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with **** all over his hands and clothes.Mick says,"What the **** happened to you?"
Paddy looks at him and replies,"Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with four pound coins and two 50 pence pieces?"
=========================
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed,
his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
=========================
A sweet innocent Catholic girl is about to be married and is worried, so she visits the Priest.
"Father, I know nothing about the anatomy of a man, what is that thing hanging between his legs called"? she asks
"That my child is his penis" replies the priest.
"And what are those two hairy round things that are about eighteen inches back from the tip of the penis called Father"?
The Priest answers "Well, for your sake, my child ,I hope that they are the cheeks of his arse"
==========================
There was a young lady called Gill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a tree in Brazil
================================
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and
came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you
shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving
that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply
said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young
man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago
you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget
the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I
should be saving it for when I get married", said the young
man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said
the priest. "Did you take my advice?"
"Yes I did, Father; but there's only one problem."
"What's that, my son?"
"Well, I have a 55 gallon drum of the stuff in the back of my
pickup truck. Now that I am getting married, what am I
supposed to do with it?
=================================
I remember when I was working up in Scotland for a few weeks.
I was getting really frustrated.
So I phoned the Wife and said, "Hello Love, can you send me a Pic of you Pleasuring yourself"..???
The bitch sent me a pic of her outside "Greggs" Cake Shop, eating a Steak Bake Pasty..
================================
An Octopus goes into a bar and says, "I can play any musical instrument going!" Someone gives him a guitar which he plays like Hendrix.
Then someone gives him a piano which he plays better than Elton John. Then a Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes.
The Octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says, "what's wrong, can ye no play it?"
The Octopus says, "play it? I'm gonna **** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"
===============================
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator." "Yes, that's another big word.
Well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss." After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.
" "Well my Mum has one and she says it eats ****ing batteries like there's no tomorrow!"
==============================
Came home to find my missus stood in the hall wearing riding boots and holding a whip.
"Oh great," I thought. "Where the fcuk are we going to keep a horse?"
==============================
A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label **Viagra Extra Strength** and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."
The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's ‘member’ is black and blue, mangled and chunks of skin are hanging off in some places.
In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
==============================
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.
That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room,
She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!
==============================
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on
which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye,
but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed,
the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear,
"It hurts, doesn't it?"...
===============================
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed
in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a 1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Then you shag her again."
===============================
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"
==============================
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds" he says.
"Twenty pounds? Are you mad!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you one hundred pounds" he says.
"No! Get away from me."
"TWO HUNDRED POUNDS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said No!"
"FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS" if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred pounds is a lot of money....
"Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...
and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I going to get five hundred pounds from".
=============================
I was looking at my wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up.
Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.
"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," I said.
"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."
"We're on our ****ing honeymoon," I replied!!..
=============================


I do like this last one ...:D:D
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans. I told him to bugger off - with my luck I'd probably win one

The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour then I started to feel sick. It's great though.
It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot."

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said "Yes"; 11% said "No"; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.. "What are you so happy about?"
He asked. "I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done, son. I hope you were wearing something."
"Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. "I've been ringing 0800-1730 for 2 days. Why don't you answer the phone?" Girl replies, "those are our opening hours".
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
> Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a
> bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction.
>

>
> My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
> group The Monkees.
> I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face
>
> I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
> Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend
> is 21 and I'm 50.
> It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
>
> My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple
> of Swan Vestas, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.
> Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.
>
> I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, what a shower
> of ungrateful bleeders.
> All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have homes to go
> to!'
>
>
>
> Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
> voice from the kitchen.
> 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
> I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
> She replied, 'You're having soup you fat *******, I was talking to the cat!'
>
> Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black
> and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham .
>
> I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by
> a prawn cocktail.
> I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
>
> Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of
> 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
> Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead
> Beatle for the last thirty years
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Remember To Guard Your Belongings
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are ... ?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year .. "
 
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