A few more laughs ....

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Little Johnny ...

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a
game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday
off." said the teacher.

"Who is credited with writing the phrase:" "To be or not to be, that is the question?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out; "Shakespeare".

"Well done!" said the teacher; "You can have Monday off."

"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on
Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay;" said the teacher.

The next quote is, "I had a dream!'

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so
I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

"Okay;" said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom: "****ing Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ................"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Poor Vern

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.



His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.



"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.



Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.



Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..



The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time."




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
 

LillianJacks

Active Member
Jun 6, 2016
15
1
carseatresearch.com
My mother taught me the same technique when using a public restroom. Too funny!
I remember the time we were traveling and stopped at a rest stop to use the facilities. After my mother went to the restroom and washed her hands she proceeded to get her hairspray out of her purse (can we say suitcase? lol). She sprayed her hair before she realized that she really had used the Lysol spray. LOL Her hair smelled, uh, disinfected.:D
 

LillianJacks

Active Member
Jun 6, 2016
15
1
carseatresearch.com
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
a few more

I went to a disco last night,
They played "The Twist" so I did the twist,
Then they played "Jump" & I jumped,
Then they played "Come On Eileen",
Got kicked out for that one!


=======================


What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.

What do you call that useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.


========================


A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge says "First offender?"
She says "No, first a Gibson, than a Fender!"


=========================


Here was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

"There really is no justice in this world". The other little old lady said "what do you mean?" The first old lady said "Look at that... when I was 20 I was curious about it. When I was 30 I enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it. When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot about it... and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild... and I'm too old to squat!


===========================


During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger briefing "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah..."

After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was "You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..."

Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say "Don't forget the coffee!!"


==========================


Texas Sex
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "I think I enjoy the "Rodeo" position the best."

I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What
is it?

Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear.

"These feel just like your sister's""

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds......

==============
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Me & my missus favourite sexual position is called the ''England
football team'' ! . . .
Neither of us know what we're doing or why we're there,
there's no passion, no communication & we never make it past the 1st stage.
There's horrible dribbling & never a clean sheet.
Its over far too quickly & when it does end I know it'll be at least
another four ****in years before it happens again.
..........

A nurse lost her cat in a hospital..she asked:
Any one got a *****?
All the woman stood up.
No I meant has any one seen a *****?.
All the men stood up.
No No No... she said
"I meant has any one seen my *****"?
All the doctors stood up.

................

My wife calls my penis "The Firework.
"Not because it lights up her evening, but because she likes to keep it
at arms length
since it went off in her face that one time.
........
Woman & baby go to docs. Doc is concerned about babys weight.
"Is he bottle or breast fed" he asks. "Breast fed" says woman.
He asks her to strip to the waist, pinches & sucks her nipples & rubs
both tits for a while.
"no wonder he's under weight you've no milk" .
"I know" says the woman "I'm his gran, but I'm ****ing glad I came"

...............

My mate Alan, is the best prankster ever.
Every time I come home early from work,he is always hiding naked under
my bed waiting to jump out on me.
.
How he sneaks in without my missus even knowing is beyond me..

..............

The wife walked in last night and took her bra off,
with a cheeky wink she said "Suck my titties".
"**** off" I said, "They've been on the floor"

.............

Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem.
I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the doctor said.
"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.
Okay, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health, Mr Thomas," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

.................

My wife was trying to be sexy last night, she lay on the bed sucking a
lollypop
and then started slowly sliding it in and out of her *****.
I said " steady love, you'll need that to see the kids across the road
in the morning "

.................

Did you know that a recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used
vibrators?
The other 57% bought them new.
............

A sexually active, middle-aged woman, informed her plastic surgeon that
she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years,
they had become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret
and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after surgery, she found 3 red roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
And that the first rose was from him.

"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago.

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from wee ernie in the Burns Unit - he wanted to thank you for
his new ears."

...............

Little billy was watching TV in his bedroom. He comes downstairs and
asks, "Dad, what's love juice?" His father looks at him horrified

and tells him all about sex and why a woman's vagina gets wet. Billy
just sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

His dad asks, "So, what you been watching billy?" Billy replies,
"Wimbledon!"

..............

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born,
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son.
" The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a *****, not a photo-copier."

................

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through
negligee,
asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then asked to come in for a cup of
coffee.
I said "**** off Dave, I've got to go to work."
.....
I saw my dwarf neighbour standing at the bus stop earlier so I stopped
and said
" jump in I'll take you home" "piss off you c*nt" he replied "fine suit
yourself"
so I zipped up my backpack and carried on walking.
.......
A teacher asks the class if they had any relatives that fought in the war.
Little Johnny puts his hand up.
"my grandad was in the war and got a grenade shoved up his arse by a
german miss"
the teacher replies
"rectum Johnny, rectum"
Johnny says...
"rectum miss?....it nearly ****ing killed him!".
.....
My ex girlfriend had a fantastic set of tits!. However one was bigger
than the other.
She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a wet t shirt
contest and came 1st and 3rd!!

.................

I went to a disco last night,
They played "The Twist" so I did the twist,
Then they played "Jump" & I jumped,
Then they played "Come On Eileen",
Got kicked out for that one!



:)
................
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Sunday Funnies

A Scottish couple took in a 19-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, “Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl… “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department … very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!” !!!!!

====================

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. .

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..

=============================

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection,
it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him,
'did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.
' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling,
naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card.
You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month.
And I fart 35 times a day!!'
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Saturday funnies

Two hookers were on a street corner.
They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell **** in the air".
The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped".
........
A man goes to a golf pro for some swing advice. "Well, what should I do?" asked the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's' breast". Taking the advice, he took a swing and *POW* he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson. Being so impressed with her husband's testimonial to his improvement, she decided she had to have a lesson with the same pro, and scheduled a session for the very next day.

The pro watched her swing and said "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis".

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and *THUMP!* the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected" the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, try it again..."
.............
There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says "Every time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say "Washing machine.'"

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers "Washing machine". The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he'll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispers seductively "Washing machine". Yet again, the wife turns him away.

However, a few moments pass and the wife's needs arises so she rolls over and recites the word, but the husband turns over and says "Sorry love, it was only a small wash so I did it by hand".
.............

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother
"Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"
Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said "It reminded me of a peanut".
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked "Really small, was it?" Sally replied "No... salty"
....................
Two women police dog handlers are on the beat,
one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your fanny and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.
...................

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.

So the neighbours think I'm a stallion when they hear her panting "Give it to me!"
..................
4 dwarfs in Amsterdam get a prostitute. In the hotel room,
they tie springs to their feet or as it's known,
THE FOUR SPRUNG DWARF TECHNIQUE!Click here to enlarge
................
A fisherman catches a shark. As soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling,
"Wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go."

"Alright," says the man, "I want my **** to reach the floor".

So the shark ate his legs.
..........
My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.
Last night we tried anal.
She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
...........
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
........
My favourite sex position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
...........
What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?"
Your girlfriend says "you're done already?"
And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."
............

Update on Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life, but now a widow, she happily sits in her rocking
chair watching the world go by with her cat Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
CINDERELLA SAID 'FAIRY GODMOTHER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS'?
The fairy godmother replied 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns
?
'
Cinderella was overjoyed and after some thought replied
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand
to mouth on my pension and I wish to be wealthy again. Instantly her
rocking chair turned into solid gold.
The fairy godmother then asked, 'What do you want for your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality and she was young and beautiful again
and she felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
The fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
CINDERELLA LOOKED OVER TO THE FRIGHTENED CAT IN THE CORNER AND SAID, 'I
WISH FOR YOU TO TRANSFORM BOB, MY OLD CAT, INTO A KIND AND HANDSOME YOUNG
MAN.'
Magically, Bob was immediately transformed into the most handsome man
Cinderella had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life.' and disappeared in a flash of blue light
Bob and Cinderella looked lovingly into each other's eyes.
THEN BOB WALKED OVER TO CINDERELLA AND HELD HER IN HIS YOUNG MUSCULAR
ARMS.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he
whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had my nuts cut off'........Click here to enlarge
................

I'm so ashamed, the fire brigade have had to free me from a condom machine last night.
"Insert £2 and push knob in" didn't mean what I thought it did....
...................


There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls".
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or
with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the
lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both
are fatal
.................

A lad goes for a job in Homebase.
Boss says "let me show you how its done.".......
A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "
sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower."
Customer says," I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200.
" That's how its done" says the boss, "the next customer is yours".
A man walks in and says "I'd like a packet of tampax".
The boy replies "would you like a lawn mower as well sir?"
The man says "why would I want a lawn mower?!"
Boy says "Well, your weekend's ****ed, you might as well cut the grass!"
.................
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
More today

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green Massey Ferguson tractor.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down
from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath
and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
"What the heck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick,
"but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department,
and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.
--------------------
One day a guy died and found himself in hell.
As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked "Why so glum?"
The guy responded "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad" the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here".
"You a drinking man?" "Sure" the man said "I love to drink".
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then.
On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.
We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great".
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays.
We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.
If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble". "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do".
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow".
"You into drugs?" The guy said "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean...?"
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.
Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow" the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation "I never realised Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said "You gay?" The guy said "No". "Ooooh... you're gonna hate Fridays!"
---------------------------
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
" I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread,
which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view,
just as he surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.
Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?"

"No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."
-------------------------
Dyson's Syndrome; A condition contracted by all women shortly after they get married,
where they make a continual whining sound but don't suck any more..!!!!
-------------------------
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Thursday funnies

I think **** films give women false expectations of how quickly a
plumber is likely to turn up.

---------------------

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in
good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then,
after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears
to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then
said to her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time,
and then cold and chilly after the second time.

Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old *******, she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time
is in January...

---------------------------

groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar
and the best man notices
that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married,
but what's up you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life
and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest,
brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend,
I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so
excited."

The bride replies, "I have just given the last bj of my entire life."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
ok to groan...

Frank and Fiona were making passionate love in Frank's van when suddenly Fiona, who was a bit on the kinky side and had just read "50 shades of grey", yells out,

"OK fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Frank, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Frank, let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits,
"Yes I did."

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims:
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^
^

"I thought so because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Sunday Specials

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours" he replies "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course" says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly "Why
don't you wear Silver?
It would be nice if you came second for a change".
----------------------
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.
Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went
to Heaven.
When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realised the mistake.
Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the
next day,
and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the
night in Heaven.
The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the
Pope ran into Clinton.
Clinton asked the Pope "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational"
responded the Pope.
"I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to
Heaven.
I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary".
"Ooh, sorry" said Clinton "you should have been there yesterday".
----------------------
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
70 quid is 70 quid TL
Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year, and every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Barbara always replied,
"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"
One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"
To this, Barbara replied,
"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny. But if you say one word its seventy quid. "
Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!"
Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, but you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Blonde helping the Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a
man whose truck had broken down……
>>
>>
>> The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
>>
>>
>> "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
>>
>>
>> "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”
>>
>>
>> "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
>>
>>
>> So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
>>
>>
>> Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
>>
>>
>> There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to
>> the amusement of a big crowd.
>>
>>
>> With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
>>
>>
>> "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^^
>>
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>> ^
>>
>> "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to
>> Sea World."
>>
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Tuesday funnies

Kids know far to much these days.This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room,
i saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls immitating the doggy position,
i bent down and told her,"You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that"
she replied,"I don't think so,he's doing her up the arse!"
====================
My life is full of disappointment and bad luck , if I was dildo I would end up with Susan Boyle.
====================
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was okay because he loved her so much.

"I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married".
She said "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis".

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing,
holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!"
=====================
A little boy and his friends are being called *******s and bitches by bullies at school.
The boy goes home and asks "Dad, what are *******s and bitches?"
And his dad replies "Bitches are ladies and *******s are gentlemen".

Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mum. As he enters the room,
he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mum says "****!" "Mum, what is ****?" and she says "Perfume".

So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells "****!" The boy asks
"Dad, what does **** mean?" and dad says "preparing".

Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says
"Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks "What are condoms?" and his father says "Condoms are coats and jackets".

The following night his father invites over some important business clients.
The boy opens the door for them and says "Hello! Please come in, *******s and bitches.
Hang your condoms up here, my mum is upstairs rubbing **** on her face and my dad is downstairs ****ing the chicken".
======================
I hate people knocking on my door asking for donations.
Just had a woman here from the Sperm Bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful.
======================
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette.
Say five Hail Mary's, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
=====================
The missus said I know just how to push all of her buttons.
Unfortunately I still haven't been able to find the ****ing mute one !!!
=====================
I saw a **** film last night,.
A woman was giving a hand job to a joiner, a plumber, an electrician and a fitter!.
It was called
"Jack Off All Trades!"
=====================
My dwarf wife went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size.
So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme.
When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea,
then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
=====================
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Saturday Funnies

Politics is an anagram of 'colpitis', an illness that results in inflammation of the vagina.

This explains why most politicians are irritating *****!..
===================
If Liverpool fans shout " Up the Pool "
and Aston Villa Fans shout " Up the Villa"
what do Arsenal fans shout ?
===================

If you're a ginger never get a Brazilian, it'll look like a fish finger!!

================


Ever wonder how the seven dwarves got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a ****.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarves came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny need a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you pick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, thats me arse-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're ****ing queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY *******",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his ****ing load.

The next dwarf got a blow job,
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her fanny raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that ****ing great big ****."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My clit can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarves,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UPClick here to enlarge

===================
Elton John went to the Tattooist and said I want a Rolls Royce Tattooed on my ****.
The Tattooist said,"You'd be better off with a Land Rover mate,it won't get stuck in the ****!"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Ungrateful

Terry was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting his will, and then Terry called out to his wife who was in the kitchen, "When I die, I’m going to leave everything to you, My Love!"

She shouted back, "You already do, you lazy *******!"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Thursday funnies

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane
proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another
word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's
more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day.
That has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to
retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of
'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
======================
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask
out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it
wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
===========================
Kids say the darnest things don't they!
I was taking my friends daughter who's only 7 home today when a stretch
limo overtook us with what looked like a hen party aboard.

All of a sudden a rubber dildo was thrown from the limo smacked straight
into the windscreen and bounced over the car.
Quickly thinking I said wow did you see that fly hit the window?

The reply back was, I'm surprised it could fly with a **** that size
===========================
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have
any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will
be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him
asking where the potatoes are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry
ma'am, we are out of potatoes,
but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and
asks "Where the hell do you keep the potatoes,
I need some potatoes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the
situation,
tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your
potatoes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very
good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally
asks "now spell, ****, as in potatoes. "
She replies "There is no **** in potatoes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ****ING
TELL YOU THE WHOLE ****ING TIME!"
================================
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late
to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake him up now".

"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of
his asshole and see if that wakes him".

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****ed her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him
over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the
woman,
he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you ****ing my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
========================
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about *****, and
their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's
a *****?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says
"Son, that is a *****".

The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly
opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a *****?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips
out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold,
grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this
is a *****!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking
about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
My mate's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk & never came back !!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad. I've been using that powdered stuff."

Police came to my front door last night, holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, Sir ?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me down, I know this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft prat - it's me !!"

Paddy's in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing ?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"The noose should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away ?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "Save 'em for the ceiling !!"
 

colsy

Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
1,349
569
Dover
Tuesday funnies

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their
options.
One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual
sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge
in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never
again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs,
they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not
stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his
stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how
seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the
ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to
pick that up, we're both ****ing dead."
=============================
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she
sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects
a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some scented candle, slips into something
comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen.
She got so mad and called the video store to complain.
Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on
the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those
tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."
=============================
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he
asks the same question to the woman,
"Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has
happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice,
"Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase
this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the
door and listen and if it is the same guy
I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where
he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same
fellow is standing there, he asks,
"Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my
wife's alone and start using yours!".....
=============================
A young man was hurtling down the motorway in his Ferrari.
A traffic officer stopped him.
"You were exceeding the speed limit young man.
What is your name?"
"*******break, Officer."
"Where do you work Mr *******break?"
"The Ball Bearing Factory. We make small balls, middle-sized balls and
large balls, Sir."
"Have you committed an offence like this before?"
asked the traffic officer.
"Never, officer, on my word of honour."
The traffic officer decided to let him off with a warning.
The relieved young man climbed into his Ferrari
and drove away only to be stopped by a second traffic officer
further on.
The traffic officer and the young man had the same conversation and the
young man was allowed to go again.
Back at the Ministry of Transport the two traffic officers were
discussing their day
and the case of the young man in the Ferrari cropped up.
"The blighter!" they exclaimed.
They resolved to try to catch up with him.
The first traffic officer telephoned the Ball Bearing Factory.
"Have you got a *******break? asked the Officer.
"You must be f*cking joking, we don't even have a tea break" Said the
receptionist.
===============================
Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier,
some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at
his door
so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could
have a cheeky listen
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's shite, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV,
that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore
require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers,
that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a ****..."

With that, the door was closed.
=================================
 
Progressive Parts, performance parts and tuning specialists