Some you've seen !
A guy escapes from an asylum and goes on the run
After a few days he walks into a village and hides in the launderette.
He takes a few women hostage and over a few days has his wicked way with them.
One morning he sees the police are at the front of the launderette,so runs out of the back door and hides.
The newspaper headline the next morning read.
Nut screws washers & bolts
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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.
The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.
Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.
The first flea asked "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied
"I just rode out here on a bikers moustache and I'm so very coldddd!"
The first flea said "Don't you know the special trick to getting' here?
First you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies bathrooms, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along,
and when she sits down you climb right up in the ***** where it's niiiice and warm".
The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.
The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again.
The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.
About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.
The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"
To which the second flea replied "I did just as you said. I went to the ladies bathrooms
and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in her ***** and it was so very warm.
Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep.
All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers moustache!"
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A guy is eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone.
He calls over his waiter and says "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne - on me!"
The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there".
She says to the waiter "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants". The waiter delivers the message,
and the guy says "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage,
TEN million dollars in the bank, but no way am I cutting four inches off!"
..............
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said "Okay, take off all you crose". The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room". Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said "Okay, now craw reery, reery fass back to me".
So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".
Worried, the woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass".
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This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her *****.
"Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.
"Put two fingers in..." she says. So in goes another one.
She's really starting to get worked up when she says "Put your whole hand in!"
The guy's like "OK!" So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud
"Put both your hands inside of me!!! So the guy puts both of his hands in!
"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't" says the guy.
The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight *****!"
............
I was ****ing my secretary up the arse over the office desk when my wife walked in
"You can't do this to me!" she screamed. "I know" I said "That's why I'm doing it to her!"
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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment,
that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it".
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A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog.
He asks the man at the front desk if he can have a woman and the man says ''No, son.
You have to be 18.'' The boy hands the man a one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 7.
Then the boy asks the man if he can have a girl with active herpes.
The man says ''No, I'm sorry, but all of our girls are clear.''
The boy hands him another one hundred dollar bill and the man tells him to go upstairs to Room 4.
About twenty minutes later, the boy comes back and the man at the front desk
asks the boy why he is dragging a dead frog and why he wanted a girl with herpes.
''Well, tonight when the babysitter comes over, I'll have sex with her and give her herpes.
Then, when my dad takes her home, she will give it to him.
Then, when my parents have sex tonight, my mum will get it too.
Then tomorrow morning when my dad goes to work my mum will give herpes to the postman,
and he's the ******* that ran over my frog!'''
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I was after a job on a local farm and I thought if I took his disabled daughter out on a date,
I'd stand a better chance of getting the job.
I asked the farmer if that would be OK and he said as long as she was up for it, which she was, then it was fine with him.
As she was in a wheel-chair, I borrowed my dad's estate car and off we went.
We had a great night out and although she was very good looking,
I didn't think that it would go any further because of her disability.
We left the club and as I settled into my seat after putting her wheelchair in the back,
she leaned over and kissed me grabbing my crotch at the same time.
"Do you fancy a ****?" She asked.
As I said, she was very attractive and I would have been mad to say no but I was unsure how this would work out.
I told he that I didn't know how we could do it but she told me to drive to a field by her house and park up in the gate way.
This I did then she told me to carry her into the field where I would find a tree with a "Y" in the
lower branches
and I could place her there and have my way with her from behind.
This I did and spent the next hour shagging the arse off her.
Afterwards, I lifted her down, put her back in the car and drove her home.
I pulled up at the front door and the farmer came rushing out and, grabbing me by the shoulders,
gave me a big hug and thanked me for bringing her home safe.
I explained that I was a gentleman and what else could I have done?
To which he informed me that "Everyone else, always leaves her in the tree!"
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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!”
I said, “Wow!”
Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
