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Old 12-10-2017, 15:31   #861
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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are ... ?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year .. "
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Old 15-10-2017, 16:09   #862
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still funny if your not 70 yet !




I was standing in the Club one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

***********

I was talking to a young woman in the Club last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you’re seventy..............who cares?

**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you’re seventy...............who cares?

*********

I went to the Club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you’re seventy...............who cares?
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Old 17-10-2017, 06:51   #863
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Tuesday funnies

A bloke walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich. He goes to the bar and orders a pint for each of them.
Next the ostrich goes up and orders a pint.
He looks over and sees the man arguing with the cat telling it to get to the bar and buy a pint as it's his turn.
The cat refuses and the man goes to the bar. The barman says "it's none of my business but isn't it the cats round"?
The man says "it's a long story but I was down the allotment this morning and I unearthed a lantern,
i gave it a clean and out popped a genie and he granted me a wish".
The barman says "what did you wish for"? The man said "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"!
==================
A priest and a nun on a camel in the Sahara desert, the camel drops dead leaving them doomed .
Realising their fate and have never seen a naked woman the priest ask's the nun to show him her tits.
She Agrees providing he shows her his cock, they start to fondle each other and the Priest gets a Erection
and he says to the nun you know if i put this in the right place i can create life.
'Good' say's the nun stick it up the Camel's Arse and let's get the **** out of here............
==================
A husband and wife were out playing golf.
They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.
The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.
She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.
She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.
She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups.
From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter.
Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the
point of total nausea."
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussywillows."
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
==================
A man out walking with his dog is amazed to see his doctor down on all fours with his finger halfway down a rabbit hole.
As he continues to watch, the doctor withdraws his hand and a moment later a rabbit pops his head out.
The doctor knocks it out and puts it in his bag.
After watching him catch ten more rabbits in this way he goes over and asks what the secret is.
"Its very simple" replies the doctor. "Before you come out put your hand between a womans legs;
when the rabbits smell it they cant help coming up for more. That's when you get them".
"I can hardly believe it" says the man. "Are you sure?".
"Of course ,you can trust me .I'm a doctor."
The man ponders the doctors words on the way home and when he sees his wife bending over the oven he quickly puts
his hand between her legs.
Without looking round, his wife says, "Hello doctor, off rabbit hunting again?..
==================

A high ranking terrorist dies and goes to hell. The devil gives him three choices as to which punishment he will receive.
The devil shows this terrorist the first one which involves shovelling layers of excrement throughout eternity - The terrorist declines this punishment.
The second punishment the devil shows him involves diving head first into a lake of excrement over and over throughout eternity -
The terrorist also declines this punishment. So the devil brings the terrorist to his third choice where Monica lewinsky is doing something very rude
to ex president Bill Clinton. - So the terrorist says " I think I can manage that" so the devil says
"Okay Monica, you can go now.”
===================
This young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised,
deciding that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 1)
it had never been occupied 2) that there was plenty of heat 3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!
====================
A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ..
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on a computer and said to the couple, "£39..00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England !
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
“Wooden structure with sprinkler system above, £39.00”.
====================
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge...
===================
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out.
The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?!
===================
I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told fatty to sit down and I put a classic **** film on for inspiration.
My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway.
"That looks good." She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that."
"Really?" I asked, excitedly.
"Oh yes." She said.
"With extra mushrooms though!!..
===================
Is there a doctor in the house? One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers.
They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey. How about if we go back to your place for the night, no strings attached.
It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.
She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they 'do' it for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”
“Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?”
“Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “How did you know?”
The woman answers, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
=================

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, 75, looked him over.
"Nope".
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow".
Furious, Bert yelled "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?""Nope. Not a clue" she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert... shoulda bought a hat!"
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Old 17-10-2017, 06:53   #864
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"Doctor" the embarrassed man said "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do". The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett" the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.
Okay, you may put your clothes back on". The doctor took the husband aside.
"You're in perfect health" he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either".

=====================
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman".
The priest said "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said. "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're*not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box".
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you that's the same as putting it in!"
=========================
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the damn Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here,
I will get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this ******* joint?".
"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".
"**** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the ****ing piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Stone-deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling shit, show us your ****ing piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce
any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him,
is the most gorgeous brunette he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress,
her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse.
She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!
It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.
He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...
"Where's that bloody pianist?"
He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly,
sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The brunette stands up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

"Know it?," replies the pianist, "I ****ing wrote it!"
================================

I'm such a pervert, I bought myself a dog just so I could try the old 'peanut butter on the bollocks' trick.
Have to say it didn't do much for me at all.
Now I can't get the taste out of my mouth.
=====================
I asked the young blonde girl behind the counter in the Post Office.
"Do you keep stationery?"
She said: "Only to begin with, then I go at it like a ****ing rabbit."
=======================
A man in Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alaska Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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Old 28-10-2017, 12:00   #865
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.
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Old 28-10-2017, 12:05   #866
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
===========================================

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

====================================================
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Old 31-10-2017, 14:22   #867
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Subject: Fwd: Aliens - We Come In Peace



Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas
station that was closed for the night. They
approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of
response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were
you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and
repeated his greeting. Again, there was no
response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take
us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade
saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I
really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He
aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a
huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards him and blew the younger alien off his
feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess
about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes,
straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was
standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the
young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me!
How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly
feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If
there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you never mess with a
guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder
twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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Old 31-10-2017, 14:28   #868
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Because of Tyrone’s stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"
One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.


The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London, and relocated to Birmingham.


Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at a Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.


When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died


The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw that Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.


If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you think Jeremy Corbyn may be the next prime minister.


Trouble is, he might well be, then the joke’s on us!!!
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Old 11-11-2017, 12:32   #869
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Hymie lives in Tel Aviv

One day, he takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Hymie thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears: "Ribbit, 9 Iron". Hymie looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit, 9 Iron". And then Hymie realizes that the frog is doing the talking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog: "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies: "Ribbit, lucky frog". Hymie decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think, frog?" Hymie asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood". Hymie takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Hymie is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, Hymie has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog: "OK where to next?" The frog replies: "Ribbit, Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and Hymie says: "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says: "Ribbit, Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table, Hymie asks: "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies: "Ribbit, $3000, black 6".

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Hymie figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. Hymie takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says: "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful".
The frog replies: "Ribbit, Kiss Me". Hymie figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
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Old 12-11-2017, 13:40   #870
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Sunday funnies....i hope !

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.
He knocks on a door and says to the lady,
"I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly
give you some great sex instead."
Little Johnny agrees, "All right."
He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them
down. To her surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's
ever seen.
Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls
out a handful of washers, and begins sliding them onto
his penis.
The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take
all of it."
"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny!!..
.......................
After a visit to a ***** house, a man notices a green lump on his willy so goes to doc's.
"That's serious" says doc, "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ear?"
"Yes," says man nervously.
"Well, says doc ", "You've got a brothel sprout!"
.......................
On his tenth birthday, a father asks his son what he most wants in the world. "It can be anything" he says "anything at all".
"Oh boy!" says the son "In that case dad, could I rent a *****?" Umm well, no you can't son". "Why not?"
"Well it's illegal to have sex until you're 16 son". "Can I hire one then dad?" "Yes, of course you can".
On his 16th birthday, as promised a ***** comes to the house.
"Oh thank you Dad!" cries the boy "Is it okay if I open it now?" "Yes of course son" replies Dad "Thank **** your mother's dead eh?"
So the son goes to the bedroom, where he suddenly realises he doesn't actually know what to do, so does the only thing he can, and asks his dad.
"Dad" he shouts through "She's taking her clothes off, what do I do?" "Take your clothes off too son!"
About twenty seconds later the son shouts "Dad, she's getting into my bed". "Get into your bed too son!"
"She's kissing me dad". "Kiss her too son!"
Dad what's hap-" "That's an erection son!" "Right".
After a pause a panicky voice shouts "What do I do now dad?" "Put your big hairy thing into her big hairy thing son".
A few minutes later the father hasn't heard anything else from the bedroom so assumes his son must be doing well,
until he hears a muffled cry of "Dad, my head's stuck!"
......................
My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week!"
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said ""THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"
"My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said "That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said "Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
.........................
The wife accused me of been a transvestite.
So I've packed her clothes and left .
.........................
Click
here to enlarge

A man walked into a cocktail lounge, approached an attractive blonde woman sitting by herself and asked, "May I buy you a cocktail?”

"No thank you," she replied. "Alcohol is bad for my legs.”

"Sorry to hear that," the man said. "Do they swell?”

"No, they spread.”
.........................
Pete's Piggery

Pete buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells Pete that he should try artificial insemination.
Pete doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud.
Pete hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around,
he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!".
"What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?"
"No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
..........................
My ex is suffering from depression. He phoned me the other day and said,
"I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent him a timetable.
.....
A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital toundergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
'This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H.
It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!'
'Oh my gosh,' cried the man, 'What are you going to do, doctor?'
'Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta bread.'
'Will that cure me???' asked the man.
The doctor replied, 'Well no, but... it's the only food we can get under the ****ing door!
.........
I'm not saying my wifes armpits are hairy
but she looks like she has bob marley in a headlock !
........
Rodney wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on.
He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks, "****ing hell what happened last night?"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe.
Again he thinks, "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party".
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.
He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is,
"Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."
......................
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself,
I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
.........................

Lady golfer returned to clubhouse in distress.
she told the pro she'd been stung by a wasp between 1st and 2nd holes.
Pro said "perhaps your stance is too wide"
......................


After thirty seven years of marriage I've finally found my missus's G spot.
Who would have thought that her sister had it all along.
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Old 25-11-2017, 08:01   #871
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BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer.
There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television
when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.
One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years
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Old 02-12-2017, 20:55   #872
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The Lady Dentist
==============
Terry goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
As she produced a large syringe to give him an anesthetic shot, Terry protested,
"Sorry, no way, no needles! I just hate needles!"

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, but again he said,
"No, no, I can't do the gas thing either.

Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asked if he had any objections to taking pills.

"No problem at all," he said, "I'm fine with pills."

So the dentist gave him two little blue pills which he swallowed promptly.

"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied casually.
"I'll be damned," said Terry, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"Actually it doesn't," said the dentist,


"But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."
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Old 03-12-2017, 15:18   #873
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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit.
He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore.
So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey.
But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again.
He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.
Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision.
A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently,
believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
"Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited. "Yes, anything." she replies.
So he says, "Will you hold down the donkey?"
...............
Little Johnny comes home late from School one day and his Dad asks, "You're late, where have you been..?"
"With Jessica."
"Doing what..?"
"Revising."
Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the Kitchen Table and says, "Wow, these Fishcakes smell nice."
His Dad says, "Go wash your hands Son, cos they're ****ing Doughnuts!!!"
..................
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland ...
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note...
not too romantic and not too personal ..
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings..
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to clean it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
------------------------
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand...

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


P.S. I didn't see it coming, either!

-----------------------------

The older you get the less things are sexy in bed. Toenails get longer, bones get creekier, body parts get drier
and the odours from your partner get much, much more noticeable. These days my wife just lays there not moving at all while i gyrate a little bit on top. Can't even tell anymore if she enjoys it but the doctors tells us she can feel everything despite the coma.
...........
A man is sitting in a bar looking really upset. The barman realises that this depressed looking man is bad for business so goes to cheer him up.
"What's the matter?" asks the barman. "I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend" "That's awful!" shouts the barman.
"What a bitch! What did you do?" "Well" said the man "I grabbed my girlfriend by the hair, threw her out of the house,
grabbed all her clothes, threw them out of the window after her and told her never to come back".
"Good for you" says the barman. "What did you do to your best friend?"
"Well" says the man. "I shook my finger at him and said "BAD DOG!"
...............
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house,
and found his mother in the kitchen, cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said "Mum, I have to tell you: I'm gay".
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it, to make sure she'd heard him.
Then she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly "You're gay?
Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously "Uh, yeah, mum, that's right..."
His mother went back to stirring the pot then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon.
She said "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
...........
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly*30 days later.
At the séance, she called out "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"*A ghostly voice answered her "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you".*
Martha tearfully asked "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"*"It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze,
sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes".
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast,
and there's nothing but making love until*noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five.
After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about*11 p.m".
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"*"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha".
*"Well, then, where are you?"*"I'm a bull in Montana".
--------------------------------

An American oil tycoon dude is on business in Japan. He is staying at a swish Tokyo hotel.
As he books in he asks the concierge "Where can I get some girlie action tonight?"
the concierge replies that he will have a girlie sent up to his room at 9pm.
9pm finally comes and there is a knock at the door.
The yank opens it to find a stunning Japanese hottie stood there in a fur coat and little else.
He can't believe his luck and immediately gets her to strip so he can fill his need.
Soon, they're going at it hell for leather and he's impressed by his own stamina.
The Japanese hooker is writhing around and squealing, in fact she keeps squealing something in Japanese:
"SUNG WAH, SUNG WAH!" she moans. "Must be Japanese for excellent" thinks the arrogant yank.
He cums, she leaves.

Next day on the golf course the CEO of the big Japanese firm the yank is doing business with gets a hole in one.
the yank decides to impress his counterpart, claps his hands in appreciation and says "Sung wah, sung wah!"
The Japanese CEO looks bemused "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole??!"
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Old 03-12-2017, 15:20   #874
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I did like 2nd joke down from top.....



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Old 03-12-2017, 15:20   #875
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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome
when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where
he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear ...
"No, I’m Norwegian!!!"
.......................
My daughter asked, "Why is the soap in the shower hanging on a rope?"
I replied, "Because it saw your mother naked."
....................
I was showing my doctor a nasty rash that has appeared on my todger today.
He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.
All he said was "Please make an appointment at the surgery" and then carried on with his ****ing shopping.
...............
"So, how did the fight between you and your missus end?"
"She came to me on her knees..."
"And what did she say?"
"She said: come out from under the bed you ****ing pussy!"
.....................
How come you can't keep an erection these days?" Asked the wife, after another unsuccessful attempt at a shag.
"I'm sorry love, it's not my fault." I told her, "It's the mirror."
"Really?" She said, disbelievingly. "The mirror??"
"Yeah." I replied. "Go and have a look in it."
....................
2 Pensioners are enjoying oral sex together. The old man says " I cant stay down here too long it stinks".
The old lady replies " Sorry its my arthritis". The old man asks " Arthritis in your fanny ??".
"No" says the old lady, "the arthritis is in my shoulder - I cant wipe my arse"...
-----------------

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single.
The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat.
It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish.
Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front,
and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything.
The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them.
I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked.
Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".
Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
--------------------
I was driving past a field today when i saw a scarecrow tryin to have a wank....
I thought to myself that poor *******'s just clutching at straws'
.......
Actual quote from BBC breakfast ...the new female pilot for Red Arrows had to beat off thirty male competitors to get the job...
.......
After almost a year in a coma my husband is having to learn the basics again.
Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed himself, and how not to f*cking argue with me at the top of the stairs again
.......
What is six inches long and makes a man groan as soon as a woman touches it?
A gear stick.
......
I've completely given up on women and sex. I'm fed up with the pathetic excuses women give me.
You wouldn't believe some of them........."I'm washing my hair".....
"I have a headache"....."Im too tired"....."I'm your sister"...
Pathetic.
........
I lost my virginity when I was 17.
I found it again when I got married.
.......
A woman walks into a sex shop :-
Dd dd do yyou sell vvviibraters ?
Yes madam we do !!!!!
Ddo yyou ssell tthe rreally bbig oones
Yes madam we do!!!!
Hhow ddo yyou tturn tthem ooff !!!!!!!
........
As my girlfriend started to whine, I gently patted her back, "That's right. Let it all out."
But it doesn't matter how much air you remove, you can never get your blow-up doll back in the box!!..

------------------------
A Lady goes on a vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man & after a night of passionate love making,
She asks him, 'What is your name?'
'I can't tell you,' the black man says.
Every night they met & every night, she would ask him what his name was & he would always respond the same, he can't tell her.
On her last night, there she asked him again 'Can you please tell me your name?'
'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black man.
'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' the black man replies.
And the lady burst into laughter & the black man got mad & said, 'I knew you would make fun of it'.
The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name.
I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica.'
-------------------------

John Lennon used to drill holes in his walls to spy on guests.
He did it in every single room in his huge house.
Imagine all the peepholes!!..
....
I lost the bar trivia contest last night by one point.
The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.
......
I lost two things today.
My anal virginity and my bicycle seat.
......
Is it normal to have one ball bigger than the other two?
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:56   #876
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BRITISH HUMOUR



I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive *******."

_________________________________________

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

________________________________________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,

a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

________________________________________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

________________________________________

After both suffering from depression for a while,

me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

________________________________________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,

not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

________________________________________

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

________________________________________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

________________________________________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed

a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked

him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

________________________________________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good,

but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,

six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
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Old 17-12-2017, 20:44   #877
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3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says "oh yes..come upstairs with me"..
without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shagging!
Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his 'bonus'.
He goes out, tells his mate "go in get your bonus, she'll show you a bloody good time, one hell of a bonus!"
He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good ****.
When their finished she says "go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus", off he goes and says to the driver-
"driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hell of a Christmas bonus" so of he goes.
He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him.
He says "what the hell is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!"
She turns round and explains "I had strict instructions from my husband, he said 'give a fiver to the driver and **** the other two!!!'"

=============================
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Old 30-12-2017, 20:47   #878
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The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow
for 2,000 roubles, or one from Minsk for 500 roubles. Being frugal, they
bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people
were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the
cow and produce more cows like it.Then they would never have to worry about
the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise Rabbi what to
do.They told the Rabbi what was happening. They explained:"Whenever the bull
approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she
moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The Rabbi pondered this for a while and asked, "Did you buy this cow from
Minsk?"

The people were amazed & dumbfounded, since they hadn't mentioned where they
got the cow from. "You are truly a wise Rabbi," they said."How did you know
we got the cow from Minsk?"

The Rabbi answered sadly,"My wife is from Minsk."
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Old 06-01-2018, 13:56   #879
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Happy new year everyone...

Our eyes met across the candlelit table. She looked so beautiful. I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies. That's when I realised I'd drugged the wrong glass.
--
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said "But what is so exciting about a period".
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie "But this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack, mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself".
--
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
--
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".
--
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club.
The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first.
He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn.
Her ball goes 30 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick".
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golf pro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball".
--
A girl from pulls a guy and they are in his car and he starts fingering her. "Push another couple of fingers in!" she says. So he does.
"Push your hand into me!" she says. So he does. "Put your other hand in me!" she says. So he does.
"Now clap" she says. "I can't" he says. "Tight huh?" says the girl.
--
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob,
the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned.
He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.
As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Bob. Looking him squarely in the eye, with a stern voice, asked
"Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Fox, my secretary?" "Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Fox anytime, anywhere". "Good, then YOU fire her!!"
--
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night.
When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
--
My new years resolution is to give up my two bad habits of masturbation and smoking.
I'm now down to 15 a day and I haven’t had a smoke either.
--
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified.
"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think MPs come from?"
......................
You know you masturbate too much when you drop your wank sock and your wife shouts from the other room
"I hope that wasn't one of our good plates.
--

Roses are red-ish
Violets are blue-ish
If you ain't got a foreskin
You're probably Jew-ish
..........
Q. What do you call a Russian with Tourettes?
A. Yukanol Fukov
...............
A woman from Yorkshire was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time.
She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate.
In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor.
Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said,
"Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your arse!"
....................
The festive season is upon us once more,a little reminder for you all to remember is that a doggy is not just for Christmas,
it's a great position all year round.
--
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man....
the medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
All you have to do is say '1 2 3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?'
The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all she has to say is '1 2 3 4', and it will then go down.
But be warned, the 'pork sword' will not rise again for another year.'
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '1 2 3 for?".......
--
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women are hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time and, when finally, the last one is ready to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet.
She then goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took this past winter didn't help".
One of the men immediately replies "Now, there's your problem. You should have taken GOLF lessons instead".
............
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling.
Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did".
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy,
well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did".
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same.
Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
--
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