A few more laughs ....

Watch that spell check!!!!!!!!!!

Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.



THE RESPONSE

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his neighbour.

THE SECOND MESSAGE

Hi Fred,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "Wi-Fi" to "wife" Technology hey?

Regards, Alan

The wife was trying to be sexy last night, laid on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny and then licking it."Steady love", i said, "you'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road".
====================================================

I got stopped by a copper while I was going along the road. He said "This is a spot check," so I replied, "I've got 2 blackheads and a boil on my arse"

Had to go visit the sperm bank a few days ago....
The woman behind the desk asked me

"could you please masturbate in the cup"

I replied "well I am pretty good but I'm not ready to enter any tournaments yet"

thanks I try !

On Math

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH

Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks Little Vito's father?
"The teacher asked me: 'How much is 2x3'?. I said '6," replies Little Vito.
"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me: "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the ****ing difference?" asks Little Vito's father..
"That's what I said!"


LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just ****ing beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No, He minded his own ****ing business"..

Subject: Fwd: Jewish sunbathers

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Jaffa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit
and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did
you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?"

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: A dance

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering".


"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU".

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina".

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.
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"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes!"

Did you know that Anal Sex is still illegal in Iceland.?
*
*
Not sure if its the same in Tesco's so be careful.
===================
“A woman goes to the gynaecologist, and upon examination, the doctor says, 'Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygienic?'
The woman responds, 'I have a woman in twice a week ....
.................
I've just emailed my application to the Dominatrix club .
I got an instant reply thanking me for my submission .
===================
So, this guy was in a nightclub, trying to get lucky with the ladies.
He's having no luck at all but he spots this black guy who has a steady traffic with the 'ladeez'.
After a few drinks, and a couple of hours, the black guy goes to the gents, and our laddie follows him in to find out his secret.
When he gets in there, he asks the black guy, straight out, what his secret was.
In reply, the black guy unzip, and pulls out his enormous ****, huge, like a toddler's arm holding an apple, it was.
Our laddie says "oh, I guess it's true what they say about you guys then. I can't ever compete with that" and he starts to cry.
The black guy, feeling sorry for him, says "no, it's not like that. My mum grew it for me when I was a baby.
She used to tie a brick to me willy every day to make it grow. Try it, it worked for me.
Just hang a brick from it on a piece of string every day. No time at all, you'll be just like me", and with that, he zipped up and left.
A couple of weeks later, in the same club, the black guy went for a piss and found our laddie back in the next urinal.
"Hey man, how'd it work out for you? Is it getting bigger?"
Our guy said "well I'm halfway there......it's gone black"!
.........................
A guy is sat in the dentist's chair receiving some treatment.
The dentist says "Forgive my impertinence, but did you engage in oral sex this morning?"
Rather embarrassed the guy says "Oh God!Have I got pubic hair between my teeth?"
"No" replies the dentist "You've got **** on your nose"
............................
I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.
I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder, I thought to myself, "I really wish her guide dog would **** off!'
===============
Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
"Dancing," she replied.
The first school disco I went to, I got ****ing expelled!!..
==============
My mate’s first job was in an undertaker’s. Lunch time the boss said I’m off out for a bit look after the shop.
While the boss is away there is a delivery of a body which the drivers put in to the morgue and leave.
Presently the boss comes back and says, anything happen lad? Yes says my mate they bought a body in.
Oh right says the boss, were you ok with that? Yea it was ok boss says my mate, but can I ask you a question?
Yes of course says the boss. Let me show you what I mean says my mate and leads the boss to the morgue.
He pulls the cover off the body and and points between the unfortunate woman’s legs.
He says boss, why has she got a prawn stuck on her *****.
The boss says with a chuckle, why son that’s not a prawn that’s a clitoris.
My mate gives a confused look and says, Well it ****in tastes like a prawn boss !
===============
The Dyson BALL Cleaner is a misleading name I am now in hospital feeling a little silly.

My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his **** hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far.

However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention!.

"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the 5th year chemistry like he is paid to do"!

Valentine's Day

And I know it's tempting Laayydeez, but don't go to the trouble of getting me the same gift some of you got me last year.

I've got enough ****ing restraining orders as it is.

My mate's a dwarf. He's finding it hard to put food on the table.

It was my first day in prison and they introduced me to my absolutely massive new cellmate.

He said to me, "Hey there, I hope you're ready for a long night of BBC !"

"Phew, that's great news," I replied, "I was so worried the cell wouldn't have a telly."

Paddy and Mick are reading the headstones at a nearby cemetery.

Paddy says "****, there's a guy here who was 152!".
Mick says "What's his name and where did he live?"
Paddy replies "Miles, from London".

The Mrs has left me because I'm too insecure....

No, wait she's back....

She was just making a cup of tea....

My wife said "I used to be Christian"...

I said "Don't worry love, I don't really care for those sorts of things"...

She replied "Thank God!" It's so much better now I'm Christine".