A few more laughs ....

more

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words.
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children
examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane
proudly replied with Monday.
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon-day. Does anyone know another
word?"

Johnny from the back of the room yells "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's
more mature sense of humour she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word". "Saturday" says Mike. "Great. Sat-ur-day.
That has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick
me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher
reluctantly says "OK Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says "Mast-ur-ba-tion". Shocked, the teacher, trying to
retain her composure says "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables!
That's certainly is a mouthful". "No Ma'am, you're thinking of
'blowjob', and that's only two syllables".
======================
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask
out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage
to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
I'd get an erection again.
So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it
wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."
===========================
Kids say the darnest things don't they!
I was taking my friends daughter who's only 7 home today when a stretch
limo overtook us with what looked like a hen party aboard.

All of a sudden a rubber dildo was thrown from the limo smacked straight
into the windscreen and bounced over the car.
Quickly thinking I said wow did you see that fly hit the window?

The reply back was, I'm surprised it could fly with a **** that size
===========================
A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have
any potatoes? "
The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of potatoes, but we will
be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him
asking where the potatoes are.
The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry
ma'am, we are out of potatoes,
but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"
The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and
asks "Where the hell do you keep the potatoes,
I need some potatoes right now!"
The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the
situation,
tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your
potatoes from the back."
The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.
"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very
good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. "
The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally
asks "now spell, ****, as in potatoes. "
She replies "There is no **** in potatoes?"
To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO ****ING
TELL YOU THE WHOLE ****ING TIME!"
================================
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late
to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that" he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back "there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake him up now".

"I can't believe that" Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of
his asshole and see if that wakes him".

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and ****ed her.

When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him
over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the
woman,
he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you ****ing my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
========================
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about *****, and
their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mum" the boy asks "What's
a *****?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quickly and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says
"Son, that is a *****".

The son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly
opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch".

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a *****?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips
out his Penthouse magazine to the centrefold,
grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this
is a *****!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking
about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies "That's everything outside the circle!"

the postman

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday".
Monday , the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this..... O o ... and told them this
(the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do ? " the judge asked the second guy.
" Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge.
" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O
"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your asshole in prison!"
.......................

An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"
..........................

My wife and I have tried everything, but we’ve finally accepted that Adoption is our only choice.
Yeah.. Let someone else deal with the little ****ers.

..........................

After her eighth child, Cheryl decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below"
to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with eight children now being the limit,
she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse.
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon.
The operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Cheryl.
"The second is from your husband and he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Cheryl.
"And the third?".
"Well, that's from Matthew in the burns unit. He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

.....................................

My New Italian Girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during Sex.
She says it makes her Armpits sore for days.

...................................

A Wise Man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner!!!
when it stops sucking........ . change the ****ing bag"

..................................

Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks.

police think he topped himself...

..................................

Are you are Man or a Woman?
To find out the answer, look down...
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Look Down! Not scroll down, you ****ing idiot!!!Click here to enlarge

..................................

I'm not happy with the condition of this second-hand sex doll I've just bought.

It's well ****ed.
..........................
Woo hoo!, The wifes finally agreed to anal sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

What the ****s a strap on ??!
............................
After hot passionate sex last night with my new girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said
"You know, You are by far the biggest I've ever had"

Apparently, "Ditto" is not the right response...
............................
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs.
Does he make a song and dance about it ?
Does he **** !!..
..........................
There was a singer on in our local pub.
After his first song he asked, "Any requests?"
I said, "Are you familiar with the Doors?"
He said, "Yes, I know a few, which one?"
I said, "That ****er with the big green exit sign over there so **** off."
...............................
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this?" he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snigger, "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"
................................

funny Saturday

A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother comes to visit.
When she arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door.
"What are you doing!" insists her mother.

"Mum, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?"
"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once.
Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her.
"NOW what are you doing?" "Mum, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!"
"I'll give you a few more weeks" replies her mother, as she turns and leaves for the car.

Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself.

When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude.
"Honey, what are hell are you doing!" remarks the husband.
"It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" "Well, to be perfectly honest" replies her husband
"I think you should have ironed it first!"
......................................
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie.
After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a ****o house.

The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades.
Unaccustomed to ****o flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers,
sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers
"I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music" to which the elderly woman whispers in reply "We just came to see our dog".
.........................................
A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage.
So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. "I want to marry your daughter".
"Well, my boy you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter".
"I'll do anything for my love" says the young man.

"You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it". A little puzzled the boy says "OK, anything for my love!"

On his return of doing his deed, he asks "Now can I marry your daughter?" "Nope" says the father.
"See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it!"

Again the boy obliges and returns saying "NOW can I marry your daughter?" "Nope. Not yet... one more thing!
See that pig in the sty? Go to it!"

Once again he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

So the father finally tells the boy "Now you can marry my daughter".
To which the boy replies "NAH **** YOUR DAUGHTER... HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THE PIG?"
.........................................
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive...
Apparently the response of,"Dont worry babe,your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for! Click here to enlarge
.........................................
My sex change operation from male to female went really well.
It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the ****ing hospital car park!

A woman came home with a waxing kit. She asked her husband " do you want me to shave the sides or just leave a strip down the middle?"
her husband said " I'd rather you get rid of your whole moustache"

==========================

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights......
"I love you!" She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing sex ever!.....
Which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!.....

==========================

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella..??"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round, I was ****ing skint."

Barman says, "12 pints of anything in here costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's My Dog." Click here to enlarge

=========================

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man.
"She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.
Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in B & Q either."

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

===============================

A woman came home with a waxing kit. She asked her husband " do you want me to shave the sides or just leave a strip down the middle?"
her husband said " I'd rather you get rid of your whole moustache"

=================================

Sorry for delay..more funnies ..lol

This big ****er with a beard knocked on my door,
"Trick or treat. " He said.
"Don't be a *****, " I replied, "trick or treat is for children."
"Yes, I know, " he answered, "I've just got here from Calais."
===============================
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew,
he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout,
"Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"
=============================
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does".
Joanne giggled and confessed "I call my husband the miner, because of his incredible shaft".
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Kathy frowned and said "The postman". Looking puzzled Joanne asked "Why the postman?"
"Because... he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box".
=============================
"Give it to me!"*she yelled "I'm so ****ing wet! Give it to me now!"*She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.
=============================
A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction.
Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300". The husband asked "What would mine go for?"
The wife replied "They were giving ones like yours away for free".
The husband said "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000". "How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied
"That was where they were holding the auction".
=============================
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, err, 'female juices'.
"But you're balder than I am" protested the customer.
"True" admitted the barber "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
=============================
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"
he asks again. "Listen you! I'm not that kind of woman! Got it!!"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again "Would you let me bite your breasts -just once- for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm $10,000... okay just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there".
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them!
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah" says the little old man... "too expensive!"
=============================
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife paused for a moment before replying "Probably the ****ing funeral director would be my guess".
=============================
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked.
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"
=============================
A Polish immigrant goes to Specsavers for an eye test.
The optician shows him a board with the letters CZWIXNOSTACZ on it and says,
"Can you read that?" "Read it," says the Pole, "I ****ing know the twat!"
=============================
It must be time for me to check my credit card statement.
The wife just offered me a blowjob.
=============================
I sent my girlfriend out to buy a dominatrix outfit....
She came back with a wedding dress...
=============================
The missus is wearing one of those skirts where you can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.
=============================
My wife said she was thinking about Buying a Mini...??
I said, "You'll never get your ****ing big, fat arse into one of those".
She said, "Not a Skirt, I meant the Car, you cheeky *******".
"So did I". I replied.
============================
I just realised that today it is 4 years since I last spoke to my wife .
Oh , it's not that we have fallen out , I am just too polite to interrupt !
============================
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.... 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?'
The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, pulls him out. The dwarf shakes his head and says
'Perhaps I should weefwaze that... 'Can I see her wun awound?.
===========================
I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"..
===========================
A mother in law said too her sons wife " I don't mean to be rude but the baby doesn't look like my son "
The wife then lifted up her skirt and said " I don't mean to be rude either but it's a Fanny not a photocopier"
===========================
I was so drunk last night when I got to the bottom
of the stairs I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
I crept upstairs very quietly.........It was only when I got to the
top of the stairs I realized I was on a ****ing bus!!!
===========================
GOOD SOUND MEDICAL ADVICE :-
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health,
but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much;
go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can
save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce
your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
***FASTING*** Is Good For Health.
AND
May The Good Lord Cleanse Your Dirty Mind, You Pervert. Click here to enlarge
=============================
I was sexually active at 12.....i'ts now 12.15am,and my arm is killing me....
============================
Last Halloween I shouted through to the wife.
"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"
She replied, "Just give it some sweets and tell it to **** off."
My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since !!!

A man is like a snowstorm, you never know when he's coming how many
inches ya get,or how long it will last..
............
I CAN'T ****IN' BELIEVE IT ...
My local pub "The Greyhound" is under new management and has been turned
into a gay bar and renamed
"The Whippet Inn". ...
.............
I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the
owner of the shop.
'What you do for a riving, then?', he said.
'What do I do for a living, you mean?'
'Yes..'
'I'm a comedian', I replied.
'Go on then, change colour', he chuckled.
'No! I'm not a ****ing chameleon, I'm a comedian'
'Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff', he said.
Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.
'Wok! Wok!', I shouted.
'Who's dare..', he said.
**** this, I thought.
I'm off to the Indian.
...............
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she
heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him
with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.'...
.........................
Mr whippy was found dead today with a flake up his ass, chocolate
sprinkles on his penis and strawberry sauce on his bollocks.
police think he topped himself..

........
When I die I want to be reincarnated as a big ****ing spider.
Just so I can keep hearing women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
.........................
Mick, Paddy and Tat,are in they're local pub having a drink,one of the
locals come over to them and asks
"are you three triplets" Paddy replies "yes" guy asks "well how come you
and Mick are six foot tall,and Tat is only four foot six?"
Paddy says "ah you see me and Mick were breast fed,but they're was no
tit for Tat"
......................
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life."
The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?"
"Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower
and a shave and I shag her again.
I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow
job from her before I leave for work."
"Okay..." the doctor replies. "I haven't finished yet. I get to work and
shag my secretary in my coffee break.
At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times.
I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon
tea-break." "Right..."
"Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress
again on the way home and shag her.
Then I get home and shag the wife.
I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple
of times before going to sleep."
"Well, I don't see what the problem is...

" The guy says, "It hurts when I wank."
..........................
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked.
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her
head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
......................
In 1816,women had no rights
In 1916,women fought for some rights
In 2016,women are always ****ing right.....
....................

A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now without a doubt the
number one hand held device!
Closely followed by the penis which is usually held in the other hand.
..................
Girl in B&Q is walking round with the mirror she is about to buy...
B&Q guys says: "Do you want a screw for that?..."
Girl says: "No, but i'l suck you off for a lawnmower.
...............
I said to my wife, "I'm getting you something small for Christmas."
She said, "Is it underwear?"
I said, "Are you ****ing deaf, I said something small."
.....................

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman
begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her drawers,
and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table.
His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"
........................
Sex without condoms is magical.
A baby appears and father disappears.
..........................

Scouser

> A Scouser was sitting in a pub having a quiet drink as usual when
a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside
him.
>
> After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the
Scouser and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
>
> The Scouser leapt up with fire in his eyes knocked him off his
stool and smacked the hell out of him.
>
> He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in
the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.
>
> Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly
brought over another beer to the Scouser and said,
>
> "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he
say to you?"
>
> "I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."


>

a few blonde jokes...

>
> Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
> The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just £5 worth."
>
>
> One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
> "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
> "Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."
> "Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes.
> "I used them to patch the hole."
>
>
> Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
> __________________________
> The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
> He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
> The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

very un p.c. !

> Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when
you're drunk" husband says "that’s not true....... sometimes I want a
kebab"
>
>
>
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
> A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run
over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says
the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another
call...“done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the
attack on Libya.
>
> They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full
of cement..it was a mortar attack.
>
>
>
>
>
> A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in
Japan
>
> Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
>
> "No," he replies, "Newcastle"
>
> "What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
>
> "Pretty much the same as this place!
>
>
>
>
>
> An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash
of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind
the Job Centre in Liverpool.
>
> The locals are said to be in a state of
shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!
>
>
>
>
>
> Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10
years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken
wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
>
> Apparently she'd stood him up
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says
I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman
says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
>
> Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman
with breasts like yours she appears out of nowhere!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was
desperate for a roger.
>
> It was only when I had my trousers round my
ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!
>
>
>

I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.
xxxxxxxxxx

Just had a parcel from Holland, when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam!’

xxxxxxxxxx

My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it....but when I got home all the signs were there.

sxxxxxxxxxx

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan-shaped tails and live on insects. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat arse and lives on benefits."

xxxxxxxxxx

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"

-------------------

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre. Man:
"What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5
for it". Man: "Hmm, that's interesting.
I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25".
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation
centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: [shaking her
head with mouth closed] "Unh unh".
------------------------
A man calls emergency: "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a
condom!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It's OK, I found another one!"
-----------------------
I've just caught our orchestra leader having a wank, I said "that's no
way to conduct yourself"
-----------------------

---------------------
The UK Royal Mail have just issued a new Christmas Seasonal Stamp with a Picture of a Woman's Fanny on it.
Sadly it had to be Withdrawn.
*
As 75% of Men didn't know how to Lick it Properly...!!!

.......................
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet.
When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.

"You're simply going through the change!"..

.................
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
bollocks from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!!!"
----------------------------
She wears my t-shirt to bed.
She wears my jacket when she's cold.
She'll even wear my boxers.
But when I wear her panties one ****ing time, I have 'serious mental issues' and I have 'overstepped my boundaries'.
----------------------------
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat',
agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage,
as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.
----------------------------
Fresh from her shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's ok babe I love your little titties,,I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few minutes a day ...
she races off to fetch a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?"she asks,,,
They will grow larger over a period of years," I say very proudly
She stopped instantly!!!.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my tits larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat I say , "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
It's ok I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, over the next few weeks I may even walk again,
although I'll probably continue to take my meals through a straw for a little longer.
--------------------------------
Fresh from her shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's ok babe I love your little titties,,I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few minutes a day ...
she races off to fetch a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?"she asks,,,
They will grow larger over a period of years," I say very proudly
She stopped instantly!!!.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my tits larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat I say , "Worked for your arse, didn't it?"
It's ok I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, over the next few weeks I may even walk again,
although I'll probably continue to take my meals through a straw for a little longer.
---------------------------------
A travelling salesman was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
"My car has conked out" said the traveller "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot
"Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality".
The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.
"Jeannie" shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.
"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality".
The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal.
Jeannie girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now" said the Highlander "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows,
but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality".
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter.
In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job.
Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage.
He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality" he roared
"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor".
-----------------------------
Culprit on trial for robbery.
After a guilty verdict, the judge reads him the riot act and then says to him "Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?"
The culprit mumbles "**** all"
The judge says to the court usher "What did he say!"

"**** all" says the usher.
"Strange, said the judge, "I'm sure his lips moved."
------------------------------
I've just bought a jehovahs witness advent calendar. Every time I open one of the doors someone tells me to **** off.
------------------------------

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes.

Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)
1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit 4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver
Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka.
Now **** shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.

Sunday funnies....

Thanksgiving Day is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird that doesn't gobble anymore.
--
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm.
The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm.
So the farmer asks one little girl "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?" "The hen lays eggs" replied the little girl.
"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"
"Well" replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day".
"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"
"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them".
--
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger ****ing his wife.
He says "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says "I told you he was stupid".
--
Two Amish women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first Amish woman had 2 potatoes in her hands.
She looked at the other woman and said "these potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles"
and the other woman said "are his testicles that big?"
"No" she responded "they're that dirty".
--
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female raised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?”
“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red,
and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class… and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the Professor’s reply was classic…
Totally straight-faced he answered her question,
“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.”
--
I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering
different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say,
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
I managed to mumble in reply
“Can I just feel your tits then?’
--
One of life's greatest mysteries, Why can a woman fit a 8 inch **** into a 1 inch hole in total darkness.

But cant fit a 10ft car in a 25ft parking space in broad ****ing daylight.?
--
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the Doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little Angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him Pancakes.
Pancakes are the new wonder food for small penises. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a rather large stack of warm Pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "All for Me" ..???
"Just take Two," Brenda replied. "The Rest are for your Father."
--
A man & wife are in bed.
He farts & shouts ''Goal.''
His wife farts & shouts ''One all.''
When the score gets to two all,the man strains so hard he craps the bed.
His wife says ''What the hell was that?''
''Half time - swap sides.''
--

A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

Sign over a Gynecologists' Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.";

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.";

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.";

On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.";

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.";

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.";

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.";

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take
appropriate action.";

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.";

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment.";

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming.";

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!";

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.";

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.";

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.";

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.";

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.";

And the best one for last.;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning..'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

not so much funnies but....

>> Can you cry under water?
>>
>>
>> How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
>>
>>
>> Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> What disease did cured ham actually have?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
>>
>> They're going to see you naked anyway...
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
>>
>> They're both dogs!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why, Why, Why
>>
>> do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>>
>>
>>
>> Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
>>
>>
>>
>> If people evolved from apes,
>>
>> why are there still apes?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
>>
>>
>>
>> Is there ever a day that mattresses
>>
>> are not on sale?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
>>
>>
>>
>> Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
>>
>>
>>
>> How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>>
>>
>>
>> When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>>
>>
>>
>> In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
>>
>>
>>
>> How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>>
>>
>>
>> And my FAVORITE.........
>>
>> The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Since it was such a crappy day, I was sitting in my recliner and I started thinking about life. Soon I came to realize that as I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong … I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: Winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By ... Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick *******s!!!

The Agony of Aging … On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

Video Scam … Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute … Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" "Hey, dumb ass," she replied, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"

Tuesday funnies....

Merry Christmas and Best wishes for 2017 ! Hope we can all avoid Speeding tickets etc
==========================================================



One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and
needed to go to the bathroom urgently.
He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to
the bathroom.
When he was done pinching a loaf, he looked around and noticed to his
shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall saying "Sorry,
there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and
middle fingers
and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean".
The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going
to do that.
So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and
eventually realises that although it's nasty,
that he had no choice...
So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole.
Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the man's fingers so hard
the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.

-----------------------

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor
condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn,
that was stupid" she thought as she fell. "What a way to die".
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her
in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked "Do you
suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.
"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped
her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it,
she was caught a third time,
by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"SLUT!" he said, and dropped her.

----------------------

Red Indian introduced me to his wife...
"This is four horses.....
"I said, wow That's a beautiful name, What does it mean....?
He said, Nag,nag,nag,****in nag!

------------------------

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar......
you know...they have frozen glasses.....'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, mother****er? Drink your ****ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your mother****ing snacks,
because you are Married now, and you aren't ****ing going anywhere! Got
it, twatface?'
So he stayed home

-------------------------

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette,
and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy....
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age),
but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted

-----------------------------
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's
outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally
decided: if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell.
They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on
them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face.

----------------------------------------------------

I kid went to his father and asked,
"Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something
son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually
your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months
later...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Angela, The other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your" sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to
his mother crying.
"Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date
any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date
whomever you want. He isn't your father"

-----------------------------

A husband and wife are looking over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his ****," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."..

---------------------------

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big
toilet like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little ‘un, on the toilet rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching
his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,
"Mummy K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't you start your ****ing father's
crap with me!"

---------------------------

McVities have just brought out a new biscuit range "CLITORIS CREAMS"
..... taste guaranteed -
one lick you'll want to eat the box.
The ginger ones are an acquired taste...
--------------------------

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea,
but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young
man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are
off to Australia tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food
every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Australia , the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle
of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?'
Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's
screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

-----------------------------------