A few more laughs ....

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of
comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while,
Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he
should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a
lawyer?

Scottish Humour

Scottish Humour

An Israeli doctor said, "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we
cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he
is looking for work."

The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for
work."

The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all
way behind us. Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland.
Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!"

A woman went to the doctor with a green circle on the inside of each of her thighs. The doctor examined her and asked her if she had sex last night. The woman giggled and said that she had sex for the first time with a woman. The doctor asked her if the woman performed cunnilingus on her. The woman giggled again and said she had and that it was wonderful. The doctor told her that everything was fine and that the circles would disappear in a few days but she might want to mention to her girlfriend that her earrings aren't gold.
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A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.
During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.
Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar.
He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.
Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman
"Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret?
He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - what's going on?"
"Well" said the barman "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows..."
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LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.

Why I'm switching to rye bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies. You'll feel like 40 again!"

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it. Everybody knows about this but me."

Thursday funnies

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm
that survived the winter: a duck.
One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill
when he realised that they were broke.
He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that
he could get.
So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was
uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms.
The hooker looked straight at the boy and said "The ****ing begins at
$10, you got $10?" The boy had no money,
so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she
would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10.
The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.
An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he ****
her again because it was the best ****ing of her life.
She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.
Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way,
the duck gets spooked and flies from the boys hands.
It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck.
The man driving gets out and apologises for the boys duck. The man hands
the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.
Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father
notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him
"What happened?" The boys reply was this:
"I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and 25 bucks for a ****ed
up duck".

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Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter
and picked up a sample bottle.
One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't
it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose.
"Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi". "Viens a moi? What's that
mean?" A clerk offered some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another
sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me" she said,
offering her arm to her friend again... "Does that smell like come to you?"

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Business was good at the local *****house and the madam decided to
partition one of larger rooms.
After the work was complete the carpenter*asked for payment but was put
off.
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly
threatened "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition".
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the
house and have your pleasure with her".*"I'll take you".
*"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks".*"I
want you".
*So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her
back and put one finger in her ***** and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip
out the partition".

----------------------

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts
"What makes them so special?" "There is three colours" he replies "Gold,
Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of
course" says the man proudly.
The wife responds really "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!"

----------------------

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a
roommate who was considerably more experienced
with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his
predicament,
his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take
her out to dinner and a show,
and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really
knows how to go from there".
The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the
co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing.
On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes
and a cold sweat and blurted out:
"God, I sure would like to have a little *****". "I would, too" the girl
sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

----------------------

Sunday funnies

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny
mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my
*****?"
"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's
quite alright" replies the woman
"It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure
enough the ***** blows him a kiss.
The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder *****
can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the ***** winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man
moves over and is asked
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies
"Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

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A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three
feet tall but they were attracted to each other.
After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I
can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget"
said the woman "especially with the size difference and all". "Just
take off your cloths, lie back on the bed,
spread your legs apart and close your eyes" said the midget. The
woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing
she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman
had climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good" said the midget with a smirk "Just wait
till I get BOTH legs in there!"

...................
A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. "What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack" cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to
grab the phone, but just as he's dialling,
his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
closet floor. "You *******!!!" says the husband.
"My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around
the house naked scaring the kids?"

----------------------------------

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman
comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring.
While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find
she isn't wearing any panties.
He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to
fill your ***** with ice cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says "Honey,
this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my *****
up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!".
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I
ain't ****in' with!"

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---------------------------------

So there was this farmer, his son, and the only animal on their farm
that survived the winter: a duck.
One day the farmer is sitting down paying off last month's heating bill
when he realised that they were broke.
He told his son to go into town and sell the duck for as much money that
he could get.
So the boy started off to town. He came up to a prostitute that was
uglier than the ass of the duck he carried in his arms.
The hooker looked straight at the boy and said "The ****ing begins at
$10, you got $10?" The boy had no money,
so he started to walk away, but the hooker stopped him and said that she
would accept that duck in his hands instead of $10.
The boy gleefully accepted, so they went off and had sex.
An hour later, as the boy was leaving, the hooker pleaded that he ****
her again because it was the best ****ing of her life.
She offered him the duck back, and they went at it again.
Another hour passes, and the boy heads home, duck in hand. On the way,
the duck gets spooked and flies from the boys hands.
It flew directly into the path of an oncoming car, obliterating the duck.
The man driving gets out and apologises for the boys duck. The man hands
the boy 25 dollars for his trouble and goes on his way.
Later, the boy goes home and hands his father 25 dollars. The father
notices that his son looks exhausted and asks him
"What happened?" The boys reply was this:
"I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and 25 bucks for a ****ed
up duck".

It's not just having ago at Scots/Irish....

Duz tha speak Yorkshire

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.....................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out, you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

..................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar*e cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

...................................................................................

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is now called "E by gum"

love it ...

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY - Always try to think out of the box.

Read to the very end ...


This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars; then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
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NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Awards contest

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shite
____________________________________________________________________

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painfulManaging not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.


He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

____________________________________________________________________

Shipwreck

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around,
he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog,
ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there
was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon, Leader of the Scottish
Nationalists. That evening, the man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as
long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nicola batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him?
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He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Saturday funnies .. I hope !

A doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged Gentleman replied "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I **** my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. Doc, I'm scarred!" The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old gent's response was "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
--
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said "I think he said 'Holy ****! A talking pig!'"
--
One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest ***** in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"
--
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter spits in his hands and rubs them against each other, grabs a chunk of ground beef from a dirty bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on the grill. The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend and says "God damn, that is gross". The friend says "That's nothing, you should see how he makes the donuts".
--
I was walking in London the other day & it started raining.
I took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop!
I paid £50 & was confronted by 3 doors reading blonde, brunette or black!
I chose blonde only 2 be confronted by more doors reading small tits, medium tits or big tits!
I chose big tits only 2 be confronted by yet more doors! they read small c*nt, large c*nt or wet c*nt!
I chose wet c*nt & found myself back outside in the ****ing rain.
--
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare,
Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well" said the wife "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
--

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 21, her name's Lucy and she's got huge tits!
--
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my *****?"
"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman
"It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you". Sure enough the ***** blows him a kiss.
The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder ***** can do. "I can also make it wink" says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the ***** winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me" suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked
"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies
"Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"
--

Happy Easter!

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.
Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000.
The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office,
I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.
I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
**** van Dyke

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'

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At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Tuesday funnies....

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: ​“Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​
She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.
She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that ****!"

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The difference between verbal intercourse and sexual intercourse?
Nothing.
One slip of the tongue and you're right in the ****.

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Just had a go on a ouija board...
I asked it "will i get a shag this month"?
the arrow moved to H then A...
and this has been going on for an hour now!!..