Tuesday morning funnies ...
Last week I went to Mount Etna.
She told me to **** off.
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A guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied "Great except for one
problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time".
The guy from the wedding party replied "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off".
Even though it was against his better judgment, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.
About 3 months later, by chance they met up again and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He asked "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied "Not exactly! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my **** off!"
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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the Postman commented. Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..."
The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it". "Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded "Your name came up 7 times".
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An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars is a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing
trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!"
"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just ****ing with you. she's dead. What'd you catch?"
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I wi ll fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you d on't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his **** over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.
What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
****in' talented!
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In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL **** on it’s ****ing head!”
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After no dates or sex for five years a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside room. She does "Okay craw reery reery fast back". As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yor probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever see, dat why u get no man". She says "God, what's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr says "Is when your face look Ed Zachery like your ass!"
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An Indian lays his head down on the prairie and says
"Buffalo come"
The pioneer says "How do you know?"
Indian says
"Ear sticky"
