A few more laughs ....
- Thread starter colsy
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Who's your baby's Daddy ?
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).
The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.
The Irish Coroner
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Things you can only say at Christmas
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10
on't play with your meat!
11:Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12o you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13:I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14:You still have a little bit on your chin.
15:How long will it take after you put it in?
16:You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17:Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18:That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19:I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20:I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10
on't play with your meat! 11:Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12
o you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?13:I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14:You still have a little bit on your chin.
15:How long will it take after you put it in?
16:You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17:Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18:That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19:I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20:I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
A few Ashes Jokes !
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.
Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.
Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
Beer Lovers
From an Australian perspective!
To all you beer lovers out there, pay heed this may be you...
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good .
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
From an Australian perspective!
To all you beer lovers out there, pay heed this may be you...
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially good .
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years
My dad was able to magic some carrots into the bathroom sink when I was seven when he drank too much beer. Just like that 
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The Note
A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.
But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Bargara. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.
I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.
Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their garage. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the alsatian.
Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Dad, found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.
Your loving daughter,
Angelina.
P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true. I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the fxxxxxx Ashes.
A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.
But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Bargara. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.
I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.
Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their garage. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the alsatian.
Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Dad, found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.
Your loving daughter,
Angelina.
P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true. I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the fxxxxxx Ashes.
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told Her
they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of
The fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her
husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the
bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he
came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself." The following Monday, while
the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy ****.
When the husband got back in she asked:
"Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!!"
=============================================
DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy''.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said David - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f**king accident either!'
(IF ONLY..........)
=========================================
A teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"
Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."
Against her better judgment, she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a ****."
Teacher asks the class, "Why is a **** on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny. "OK, Johnny, Why?"
"Because, teacher, if it had a fanny on it, the wind would whistle right through it.
=========================================
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told Her
they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of
The fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her
husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the
bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he
came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself." The following Monday, while
the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy ****.
When the husband got back in she asked:
"Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the f**k did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!!"
=============================================
DAVID CAMERON was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy''.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said David - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained David - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr.Clegg wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed David. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f**king accident either!'
(IF ONLY..........)
=========================================
A teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"
Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."
Against her better judgment, she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a ****."
Teacher asks the class, "Why is a **** on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny. "OK, Johnny, Why?"
"Because, teacher, if it had a fanny on it, the wind would whistle right through it.
=========================================
Only in Britain -Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
A Jewish Mum's view of Divorce !
I'm divorcing Irvine. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman.
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion.
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari.
You get £2,000 a week allowance.
You take 6 luxury holidays a year and
You want to throw all that away ...... over 45 pence?
Now that’s a Jewish mother for you!
I'm divorcing Irvine. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman.
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion.
You drive a £250,000 Ferrari.
You get £2,000 a week allowance.
You take 6 luxury holidays a year and
You want to throw all that away ...... over 45 pence?
Now that’s a Jewish mother for you!
One liners
I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a
castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on
her face as we were bouncing around!
>
>
> After
'giving one' to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things
you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff
at Madam Tussauds are miserable buggers with no sense of humour!!
>
>
> Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was
a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips,
moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20
years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still
celebrating"
>
>
>
> Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be
the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a
nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform,
he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
>
>
>
>
> After 100 years lying on the sea bed,
Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was
still full.
>
>
I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a
castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on
her face as we were bouncing around!
>
>
> After
'giving one' to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things
you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff
at Madam Tussauds are miserable buggers with no sense of humour!!
>
>
> Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was
a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips,
moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20
years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still
celebrating"
>
>
>
> Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be
the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a
nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform,
he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
>
>
>
>
> After 100 years lying on the sea bed,
Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was
still full.
>
>
Marriage Humor
>
> Wife: 'What are you doing?'
>
> Husband:
Nothing.
>
> Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
>
> Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry
date.'
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
>
> Husband: 'Sure! What are my
choices?'
>
> Wife: 'Yes or no.'
>
>
>
> Wife: 'What are you doing?'
>
> Husband:
Nothing.
>
> Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
>
> Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry
date.'
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
>
> Husband: 'Sure! What are my
choices?'
>
> Wife: 'Yes or no.'
>
>
Once a Soldie,r always a Soldier
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired squadie,
and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said
"Mission Accomplished."
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired squadie,
and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?"
He looked her up and down and said
"Mission Accomplished."
What is a Dilemma ?
Now here's something to think about.
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.”
“IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE.”
“WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?”
Now here's something to think about.
A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
“WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"
THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING
BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.”
“IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH
A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER SIDE.”
“WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?”
Walking eagle
On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime
Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy,
addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing
about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations
of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S.
Government found a suitable agreement with the North
American tribes.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving
to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came
to select the new name given to Tony Blair They explained that
Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it
can no longer fly.
On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime
Minister of the UK and now U.N. Middle East Peace Envoy,
addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing
about a lasting peace settlement amongst the warring nations
of the Middle East, likening it to the way that the U.S.
Government found a suitable agreement with the North
American tribes.
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with
a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving
to the crowds..
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came
to select the new name given to Tony Blair They explained that
Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it
can no longer fly.
Last edited:
Voted Best Aussie Joke
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher……good old VB!!!!
The genie vanished!!!
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish was readily granted -- now what?
After long, tension-filled moments Knackers said, "Nice going ********! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher……good old VB!!!!
The genie vanished!!!
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish was readily granted -- now what?
After long, tension-filled moments Knackers said, "Nice going ********! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
One wish
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when Scotland wins the World Cup."
"You crafty *******!" said the fairy
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish."
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when Scotland wins the World Cup."
"You crafty *******!" said the fairy
Two guys in their mid-twenties were sitting at a bar. One of the guys
says to his buddy, man you look tired. The buddy says "Dude I'm
exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know
what to do!" A fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had
over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****...!!!"
--
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his
barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best
thing he'd come across was, err, female juices. "But you're balder than
I am!" protested the customer. "True" admitted the barber "but you've
gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
says to his buddy, man you look tired. The buddy says "Dude I'm
exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know
what to do!" A fellow about my age sitting a couple of stools down had
over-heard the conversation, looked over at the two young men and says
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****...!!!"
--
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his
barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best
thing he'd come across was, err, female juices. "But you're balder than
I am!" protested the customer. "True" admitted the barber "but you've
gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
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