A few more laughs ....

colsy

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Mar 15, 2012
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Today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.


When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!


As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.
 
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colsy

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....
 

colsy

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An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”


Moral of this story…

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to two 'old' bastards right away, there will be two fewer people laughing in the world.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged’.

You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

==========================================
 

colsy

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A man is making love to his wife.
Suddenly the man feels someone slapping his
butt. He stops, looks around and it's his young son
crying.
He tells the boy, hey I'm not hurting your Mommy, we are making you that little brother you want so bad.
So the boy smiles and the father takes him back to his room and tucks him in.
The next day the father comes home from work, the little boy is sitting on the steps crying.
The father asks, 'What's wrong son?" The little boy replies, "You know that baby brother you and Mommy were making."
The father smiles and says, "Yes."
The little boy says, "Well forget it, Uncle Steve came over today and ate him!".
 

colsy

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A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The barman goes back and makes a
martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, martooni."
He makes another. She downs that, and
just sits there. After a bit the barman says, "One more?"
She says, "No, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are 3 things wrong here:
Firstly it's martini, not martooni.
Secondly it's bar attendant, not barkeep, and
third you haven't got heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."
 
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colsy

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A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
 
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colsy

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have two mates sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already ... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself ... "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Beryl, and show him!"
 

colsy

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An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!" Concerned, his partner turns to him

"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
 

colsy

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A virile middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”
After a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido beckoned her yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it.
They ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, ”You finish?”
Almost breathless, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”
 
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colsy

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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me ****."
================================================
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied, lifted his robe, and almost immediately he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert this in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... stick it in the camel and let's get the fook out of here!'
===================================================
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs
to the Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh said the presenter "This is a
very rare bread, do you have any idea
what they would fetch if they were in
good condition?"

"Sticks" replied Paddy
===================================================
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.
====================================================
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, Morris goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realises that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
Again he taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning....you don't.
=====================================================
A couple of Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery

To my horror they were right
we had 6 matching balls!!
=====================================================
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple’s house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for Jeff to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love dress? But you’re naked!”
“Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.”
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” she replied.
“Needs ironing,” he says” “What’s for dinner?”
======================================================
A dinner party

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”
======================================================
A man driving through the countryside passed a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.
The man stopped and asked, “Did you lose a shoe?”
“Nope,” replied the boy, “found one.”
======================================================
A farmer was sitting in the bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
======================================================
 

colsy

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At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass ... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct." A third glass...''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
 

colsy

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A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when this big dude grabs it and gulps it down. The little guy starts crying.

"Come on mate,just giving you a hard time," the big guy says.

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I slept in so my boss sacked me. I went outside I found my car was stolen. I grabbed a cab home and found my wife in bed with my best mate So I came to the pub trying to work up the guts to end to my life, and then you drink the damn poison."
 

colsy

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An old truck driver, walks into a pub and sees a sign over the bar which says:

PIES: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three women serving drinks.

"Yes?" she says with a smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the truckie, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The old fella replies "Well, wash your hands, I want a chicken sandwich."
 

colsy

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When someone says something weird by mistake or whatever, I tend not to correct them or belittle them.
I know what they really meant , no need for me or anyone else to big note by pointing it out.
Except today.
Old fella I pick up from said he won't be there next week ,he's having an operation for "a genital cataract"
Now I don't know where they come from.
It's apparently instinctive, maybe even congenital I don't know but while I normally just think it this time I couldn't help myself.
"So you must be cockeyed?"
 

colsy

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THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will'

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'
 

colsy

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There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "****** if I know, I've never got this far before."
 
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