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Active Member
Mar 15, 2012
Paddy dies and goes 2 hell, devil shows him 3 doors, "pick 1 where
you'll spend eternity", Paddy looks behind 1st door. Boiling water was
dripping in from the ceiling, 2nd door has hot coals on the floor to
walk on, 3rd door, an old man was gettin a blowjob from busty blonde,
"i'll take door 3" says paddy, devil taps blonde on shoulder, "you can
go now, Paddy's taking over.
I was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked "How
is your libido?"

"My what?" I replied

"Libido" she said "Do you feel like having sex?"

"Ok," I replied "But we'll need to be quick my wife is waiting in the car"
David Cameron goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, every time i look in
the mirror i get an erection."

The doctor replies, "No wonder... you're a ****." (Many a true word
spoken in jest. H)
Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having
a bathroom with a magazine in it..!!

It gives you something to read while you're in the shltter!
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when
suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy,
me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not
any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window,
the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both
in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are
starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks
having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has allowed Paddy to whip
her,eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because
in all
my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease
that I've
ever seen."


Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky dive.
When I got to the door I couldn't jump.
So the 6ft 7” black instructor unzips his fly & drops out his 10 inches
& says if you don't jump you're going to get this baby up your arse !......
Mick asks "Did you jump?".
Paddy replies "A little bit when it first went in".


When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.


My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex.

But my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.


Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now-dead prince, she happily sat upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all
these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,
but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability
checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you
want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage
returned - and Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been
dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what
shall it be?"

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome
young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone as
suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's
eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms. He leaned in
close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered....
"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off!"


I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.


Ever since I've downloaded Adblock, all the single girls in my area seem
to have lost interest...


There are so many Romanian and African immigrants to the United Kingdom,
the place hardly feels like Poland any more.


I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge
black guy.

"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of
****," he said.

"I love it," I replied. "I'm doing life for cannibalism."

So a naked woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender stares at her body from head to toe then serves her a
beer. She drinks it and asks for another beer. The bartender stares at
her for longer and serves her a second beer. The woman again drinks it
and asks for a third beer.

Then the bartender starts to look at her with an amused expression,
until the woman says:

— What, have you never seen a naked woman before?
— That I have, miss. I'm wondering where you're keeping the money to pay
for the beers.


Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it
would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right... we
had 6 matching balls.
A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people
waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom
something awful and couldn't hold it for another minute. Not wanting to
upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door
for another priest to help him out but there wasn't a priest to be found.

Suddenly the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the
priest grabbed him and said "You just gotta help me out! I have to go to
the bathroom and the line is so long. It's very simple. There on the
wall is a chart... column A lists the sins and column B lists the
penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance

The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the
holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while
the priest hurried away to the bathroom.

The very next person in line entered the booth and began "Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession.
Last night I let my next door neighbour's wife give me a blow job.
That's it, Father".

The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldn't find
"blow job" anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to
look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and
stammered "Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?" "Two
Snickers and a Coke" replied the boy.

Three Irishmen are sat in a pub. Mick says, "Women are so stupid.
My wife just bought a car and she can't even drive!" Shamus says,
"That's nothing. My wife's on a diet and she's not even fat!"
Paddy says,"That's **** all.
My wife's taken 30 Condoms to Benidorm and she hasn't even got a ****!"

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet
again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has
finally had enough. She turns to the man and says "Three times you've
sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to
wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very
rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm". The woman
then says "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says "Pepper".

An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just
wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He
strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits
on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her
causes the old man to become excited. The woman, noticing the man's
erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing
oral sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and
tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While
walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man
sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the
old man.

The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his
membership. "But why" asks the person at the desk "you just said this
was one of the greatest places you ever visited". "Yes" replies the old
man "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I
drop my cigar five times a day".
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Active Member
Jun 6, 2016
The Pope goes to New York, and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally lets up, "Oh, alright, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Way more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: Much more important.

Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"

Cop: "I don't know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!":D
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