The Dealer you took your vehicle too for the lights, sounds like a bloody good Dealer. But if your vehicle was a non starter could you HONESTLY say that any of the changes have absaloutly no affect on the cause!! The Dealer made a decision on this vehicle based on the initial inspection, a front mounted intercooler four times the size of the original is pretty significant, as is the remap work and boost control devices! I don't think attitude helped either! May have been a different story if he was complaining of a rear wiper fault for example!
I have no complaints about my dealer, they have been very good. If I suspected any of my mods were causing a fault then I would consult the specialists who fitted them for their diagnosis and opinion even if that was at my own cost.
However if the car was a non starter due to a defective relay, is that really a fault of the modification? A defective relay can fail on a standard car causing it to be a non starter. It would appear some dealers at least know about the relay in this particular scenario, if its known about its a simple enough item to check.
A few years back it became common knowledge that water ingress into the ECU on Mk3 Ibiza's could easily cause them to short. If that ECU was remapped was it the fault of the customer they had the car remapped or that the manufacturer badly designed the seals or drain holes and positioned the ECU in such a place that it could potentially be sat in a bath of rain water. A hypothetical question it might be, but it isn't always just cut and dry the fault of a modification.
I do totally agree that having a professional attitude when discussing problems with a dealer though is essential. I try to offer my opinion as to what i think might be a cause and be honest. Though it can be frustrating when problems arise there is nothing productive about ranting at people only doing their job.
I would much rather have a professional relationship with dealers and help us all work together to bring about successful resolutions.
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